toc-ca-ta \ te-‘kät-e \ n. a musical composition usually for organ in a free style characterized by full chords, rapid runs and high harmonies.

fugue \ ‘fyüg \ n. a disturbed state of consciousness in which the one affected performs acts of which she appears to be conscious but of which on recovery has no recollection.

Toccata Thoughts:

Receiving chemotherapy becomes my Toccata and Fugue.

I sit in an easy chair at the doctor’s office.  The first task for the nurse is to find my vein.  The more chemo I have, the more my veins are poked and therefore, the more difficult it is to find the vein.  The evil catch-22 of chemotherapy – need the drug but the more treatment one has, the more painful the process becomes.  While the nurse stabs, I am told that my veins are hard to find.

I receive the anti-nausea drug and my vision becomes blurry as though the world now moves in slow motion.

Rather than a destructive force, I visualize the drugs as a healing and constructive energy for my body, my organs and my cells.  In my mind’s eye, I swim underwater and begin to perceive the drugs as healing goldfish, swimming around me, with me.  As my eyes remain closed, I hear music compositions in my mind while I am in this state of semi-consciuosness.  I envisage harmony as I float with the golden fish.

I train myself to remember and practice this visualization each and every time I feel discomfort or go for treatment.  I try to look forward to each treatment rather than dread it.  It is a challenging task.  I tell myself that I want this healing treatment.